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Sneaking up on me again

So prepare for it! I'm going from not blogging in a while to a BAM! sort of post!

I've been so happy lately. Things are going great. My baby boy is growing beautifully! Caylee is getting ready to start pre-k in august. Our dog's heartworms are gone! Rob may not being deploying because they cut numbers. I've been great...

until tonight.

You know I don't like to talk about the things that have happened to me in my past. I try to never use it as a crutch to get through life. I have healed so incredibly much from the pain, the hurt, the loss. Every time I think I have moved on, that I've let the pain and the anger go- something happens and it all comes rushing back.

Tonight it was over talk about a girl I love very much, whom is like my sister, someone who has had a very easy life- who doesn't know heartache aside from a soldier dad and a brother with high functioning autism. She is like a sister to me but sometimes, I despise her. I despise her because she has had it so easy compared to me. I despise her because she has the most amazing parents and yet fails to see. I despise her because she appreciates nothing. I despise her because she will never know what it's like to see what I have. She will never bounce from foster home to foster home and feel like no one in the world wants her. I despise her because she will never ever know what it's like to feel as if you are alone and no one in the world loves you, cares about you or supports you. and I HATE myself because I despise her over something that isn't her fault, something that isn't my fault. I despise her because she got her life and I got mine.

I have an amazing husband and beautiful babies and some of the most amazing "chosen" family a person could ask for. I finally have a relationship with my mom and I have friends who would do absolutely anything for me yet here I sit, my eyes welled up with tears, as they have been for the last 2 hours, because of something I can't change about myself, a past I can't seem to let go of- no matter how hard I try.

I thought I had let go. I could have sworn I was ready to move on, that my scars that had been ripped open so many times before had finally healed and out of no where this arrived. And for years I had this utter annoyance for this sweet lovely girl and until tonight I didn't know why. It makes me sick to my stomach to know that I've harbored these feelings for so long and never knew why. Someone who loves me so incredibly much and I hold her at arm's length because I can't stand that she's not known the pain and heartache that I have-how incredibly horrible of a person can I be to feel that way. It's not fair to me that I got stuck with the childhood and teenage years that I had but it's certainly not fair to her that I envy her and feel dislike towards her because of the hands we were dealt. I'm embarassed. I'm angry. I'm confused as to why I can't seem to let it go.

I went to counseling for years. I married a man who gets everything I say and truly tries to make me see better but still I can't seem to move on from it. And I so need to move on from it. I hope I can someday be the person she deserves me to be for her.

PYHO:Good Enough?!

There is alot going in my life right now... alot of stress. some that is probably just unnecessary. A lot of army families are panicking. There are big cuts about to be made, new requirements for reenlistment, and a lot of questioning about "Where do we go if it's us?" No one is safe anymore, not even if you are a good soldier. and that scares me.


Not having a back up plan scares me. Not being done with school and having at least 3 years left for MY career scares me... the pressure is hard to handle. The not knowing is taking it's toll on me and making me feel like I need to hurry and make a decision and get a back up plan.

Rob's due to reenlist in the next 2 years and we have no plan for if it falls through. He never gets in trouble and never has failed a pt test and is a great soldier but nothing is guaranteed anymore. I need a plan. Something I can do to support my family... and today I made that decision.

I've decided to go to Cosmetology School to become a hairdresser. Is it the career I see myself doing for the rest of my life, my dream job?! no- not really. It's something I know I will enjoy, something that is stable and will bring in enough income to take care of our kids and pay the bills if he's ever injured, loses his job in the army, or god forbid KIA [killed in action]-something I don't even want to think about.

I figure while he is deployed would be the best opportunity. Caylee will be in school so I'll just need a sitter for the days I go to school to watch Corey. It's scary. I feel like if I don't make the right decision everything can crumble. I like the idea of being a hairdresser but I'm worried that because I felt I had to rush to finish school to get a career going, I'll regret it in the future. I feel as though my heart will always be in psychology and I'm not saying I'm giving up on my main dream but for right now, this is what i need to do for my family..... but is it enough? Will I succeed, will I learn quickly? Will I be proud of my accomplishments or feel like yet again I made a decision based on my family and not myself?

Right now, I hate the army. I hate the fact they are making these cuts and our families have to sit back and just watch and wait as people we've grown to love are told "No you can't reup, your MOS is overstrengthed" or  "No, you have a slightly bad back and are a liability" -- yea our army needs to go back to having GREAT soldiers not just mediocre but at the same time, so many times the shitbags get to the top and the good ones slip through the cracks and it SCARES ME! to think of my family not being able to pay their bills, to have nothing to fall back on. No offense to anyone, but I don't want to be flipping burgers at burger king or running the register at Walmart. I want more for myself and for my family. I hope I'm making the right decision. I hope I'm good enough...

Hello there

I've been wanting to blog... needing to blog but I don't want it to be sad or whiny. I've had waaaay too many of those since moving to this place so I guess I will share a bit of what is going on and then share a few pics of the kiddies

1. we're down to less than half a year til the year long deployment begins and it's killing me to think about... especially with all that is going on over there. We lost people where we are stationed, one who we actually knew so it made the reality even more there for us. I have to say that I am so thankful rob is doing what he's doing and not actually doing is regular job [route clearance-aka looking for roadside bombs]... it takes a little bit of the weight off of my heart. It kills me that for the second time, he's deploying and missing the same age of our son as he did with our daughter- yet again he will miss all of the firsts... but unlike with caylee, the time of year corey was born makes him miss christmas and halloween and thanksgiving along with the first word, tooth, step, etc. he's having a hard time dealing with it and in turn it's weighing on our relationship. we've been not getting along lately and it's breaking my heart. he's got his guard up. he's trying to build that wall before he goes so it hurts less--- i know what he's doing... i know it's common but it doesn't make it easier... it hurts. and he doesn't get a 9 month deployment, he doesn't get to come home early- he's stuck with another year long deployment... and can i just say I HATE R&R! it's the worst. it's a tease and it hurts worse than the first time they leave. I'm not looking forward to that... I can handle the pain, the emotions [barely] but our daughter is going to hurt so much and i  cry just thinking about it. corey is going to hurt and that hurts me... so needless to say, as much as i don't want him to go... i want him to go just so we can hurry up and get this over with.

2. one of my best friends has decided to move home while her husband is deployed. to say she is my rock, my confidant is an understatement. our kids are so close with one another. we've become like family and i can't imagine her not here, let alone across the country! it breaks my heart. I wish she could stay here.... Gotta love skype... and another of my friends may possibly be moving to germany. her boyfriend along with another close friend of ours got orders to two different places but at the same time so everyone i trust/love here will be leaving... that's the army for ya!

3. My uncle is leaving for Korea soon and i am sad about that too. my daughter has everyone she loves going away in a matter of months from each other and she doesn't handle that well. my uncle is her godfather and nearly as important to her as robert is. i don't know how to even begin to prepare to take her pain away. to make it better...

4. this is not as sad but torture for when i'm sad. i can't have any lactose... no milk, no icecream, no cheese and NO CHOCOLATE [oh my!] because little corey has a lactose allergy and gets terrible belly aches every time I feed him... how am i to survive the next 10 months and rob deploying without chocolate lol....




Now for the good! Corey has gained about 6 pounds and grown almost 3 inches in only 2 months! he's such a happy boy [minus for when i eat dairy] and absolutely loves his big sister!! he's definitely a momma's boy but he is loving his daddy!!

As for Caylee- gosh she's growing so fast. Her vocabulary continues to grow and she talks as well at 3 1/2 as most 5-6 year olds! Her intelligence never fails to amaze me. As for being a big sister- my gosh am i shocked. As anti little brother as she was, she's amazing with him now. She kisses him every single night for bed, wants to hold him during the day. Covers him if he's cold and can't stop saying how "adoooooraaaable" he is... she even shared her favorite blanket and stuffed animal with him! She'll be starting pre-k in the fall and I'm so happy that she will have something to keep her mind off of everything!!

As for me- well I'm doing ok. A little overwhelmed with everything happening in the next few months. A little scared for this deployment... A little sad for my husband, sad for my friends whom are having to go through the same. Sad for my aunt who's husband is going away YET AGAIN while she's left here to handle her two children, one of which is autistic. I'm trying to not let myself get discouraged or get depressed... i'm not alone this deployment like I was the last one. I've surrounded myself with amazing people and while the most important ones are going home or moving, I have some staying behind who I can truly count on! and besides, I foresee lots of travel in my future year or so! Well thanks for reading everyone and here are a few pics for you!!

Finally some sibling pics

Here are just a few pics from the photo shoot a. Cutting photography did today of my babies<3 pretty dang perfect of I may say so myself!

Back Home

So sorry that I haven't updated on Corey before now. He's much better. He got a terrible virus after already being sick with a cold and being only one month old, his body didn't handle it so well but needless to say, he is back to his normal self. he was released monday after spending the entire weekend in the hospital and being pumped full of antibiotics every 3 hours to kick the funk he had.

Caylee was also sick but thankfully not contagious. We found out Monday morning that she had a terrible sinus infection. This weather in Georgia is one that will knock you on your butt. It has been in the low 70's lately and then last week it dropped to like 40 something- which while doesn't seem like much, is a huge thing to get used to when we didn't even have a slight show of winter here this year. Here is to hoping that all of the sickness is gone! That was so hard to go through.

I also wanted to say thanks to everyone who commented, emailed, texted, facebooked, etc. It was nice to see all of the support while my baby boy was sick!

Also, I'd just like to say welcome to my new followers! I haven't been blogging much lately [as you probably have seen I just had a baby so it's been crazy hectic trying to rearrange my life for two children now instead of 1]. So please bare with me, and also feel free to introduce yourselves. I will try to email you back asap! and sorry to the people I follow for not commenting as often as I should! it's been crazy! hopefully things slow down soon!! Have a great President's day weekend everyone!

Hospital stay

well I sit here blogging from a hospital room. last night corey was admitted for a high fever. rob came home with some sort of virus and because of a cold corey just previously got over, his immune system was not strong enough to fight it on its own. after an iv, catheter and a spinal tap he was admitted and administered several different antibiotics. fever is finally gone and hes starting to be more awake. we're here for a minimum of 48 hours and all I can say is I hope I never have to hear my baby scream like this again...